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| sometimes the hurt is so strong that i don't know how i stand it. it has been a year and the pain and the missing you hasn't slowed the slightest. how can you miss someone so incredibly much when you never had them in the first place? i think it's because i know we could have had something beautiful, something untouchable. i remember everything in the moments at night when time seems to pass the slowest.
sitting by you in the back of the room, joking around, getting butterflies just by seeinig you walk across the sidewalk. the exact moment that i let myself learn that i wanted so much more. hoping you'd ask me to prom, being disappointed when you didn't. not saying goodbye, and regretting that everyday. i feel like i was just beginning to truly know you and it was ripped away from me. i feel cheated.
and my heart still aches when i hear your name. but i hide that ache extremely well. i'm beginning to forget the way your laugh sounds and the exact shade of your eyes and i hate myself for that. i hate myself for not being exactly what you need, what you want. but i will never forget exactly how i felt when you were near me. you make me want to be the very best i can be. i just wish that was enough.
i've picked up my phone so many times and wanted to call you so badly. but i could never gather quite enough courage to press the button. so days become months and i can't take those months away. now calling you has become impossible because i've run out of excuses to hear your perfect voice. i would be forced to tell you some part of the truth and i'm just not strong enough to do that.
i want you to know that i want the very best for you, that you deserve the very best the world has to offer. i want you to know that i believe in you and i know that you're going to do great things. i want you to know that i am in love with you.
the odds were against us from the beginning. i wish they weren't, but i guess that sometimes you can't fight a force that strong... time has passed and i've ruined everything. i've waited too long and didn't say these things when i could have, and because of that my feelings don't matter anymore. and that's something i will have to live with for the rest of my life. but putting the words down help me cope, it helps me see clearer. maybe my feelings were wrong, but that doesn't change how real and unbreakable they were. you may never know this is for you or you may know immediately, and i'm not sure which one i want more. either way, the world knows now. and i feel impossibly relieved knowing that my feelings and thoughts are out there, waiting to be read and felt by everyone, especially you. | | |
| these past few days have been somewhat unbearable. i seem to have managed to lose everything close to me. i guess i'm figuring out what it means to be completely on my own, and maybe that's a good thing. i've learned to become even more independent. before, they weren't here often, but atleast i thought that they were here. but now they aren't, so i just have to lean on myself from now on. everything in my world is turning upside down and people don't get that. they are too busy in their own worlds to even know what i'm going through. i'm going to continue to put everything i have in God and trust that He knows i can handle whatever is thrown my way. and i will overcome, i will. no one will take me down. not anymore.
and i continue to dream about boy. it's horrendous. i wish it would quit so that i can just carry on, but it's night after night. what does it mean? my subconscious must be telling me something. but i wish it wouldn't. it feels worse already because i actually know his name now, i actually know that he is a good guy who is sweet and funny and seemingly perfect. oh what will i do with myself? i don't like this.
dear jenny's subconscious,
please stop putting me through hell? i already knew i wasn't good enough for the boy, why did you have to keep it up. this just makes me feel worse. i know i don't measure up in their eyes and i still had to find out how great he is. making me want to be with him even more. so, knock it off. or else.
love always,
jenny. | | |
| this week has been one of the longest in my life. more than ever i want college. i've gotten my acceptance letters to usc and winthrop and csu is still in the list of options. i should hear from elon and cofc by this weekend and i'm stoked for that. but with my acceptance into more places i grow more and more confused. i don't know what i'm going to do or how i'm going to make the decision. but i finished new moon for the second time today and now i'm on eclipse again. i just want to get through it so i can read breaking dawn again, that one's my favorite.
today we exchanged secret santa gifts in leadership. i gave faith hers and i hope she liked them. glenn had me :) he got me the twilight soundtrack and hot chocolate mix! i was beyond ecstatic :))
i keep having dreams about the long haired boy i see in the halls constantly. this is so irrational, so unlike me. i should know better. my subconscious should not be doing this to me. it knows how much these things hurt me. but i'm not letting these dreams reach my heart. i know they aren't realistic. he doesn't even know me. that's why i am very intent on counting floor tiles when i see him walking my way. maybe one day things will change for me, but i highly doubt that. until then, i will just have to live in my dreams. | | |
| wow, i didn't even realize how long it had been since i had updated this. and as i go back and reread what i wrote so long ago i tend to laugh at myself. i've changed so much since then, that girl seems like a stranger to me. 1. i've turned eighteen. in october, i got a tattoo and i kind of adore it. it sparked some in class arguements with my american government teacher who already didn't like me for my political views. but i kept my ground. it wasn't his place to treach me like he did, so i wasn't going to sit back and take it. i also voted, it meant the world to me. and i cannot wait for the change that is coming.
2. i've learned a lot about myself. i've grown stronger and more sure of my actions. i'm not as reserved and doubtful of myself anymore.
3. i have found God. again. it doesn't make much sense, i know. when i was a child i went to a baptist church religiously with my parents. with time our church digressed into something i wasn't interested in being a part of. people were complete hypocrites and weren't what christians are supposed to be. so we stopped going. i did and still do believe that you do not have to go to church to prove that you believe what you believe. the only one that matters is God, and he knows how true you are. you don't need the approval of people who say and preach one thing and do the complete opposite. so i never went back. i knew my beliefs and i never bothered to find another sanctuary to practice them in. the past year has proved to be very tough for me though. my morals and beliefs were continuously challegened and i felt like i was fighting a losing battle. i lost the essence of myself and i had no idea how to get it back. i was depressed and cynical everyday. doubting myself and putting myself down whenever the opportunity arose. finally, a dear friend of mine invited me to attend fuel. i went to church for the first time in almost ten years with my head in the right place. i felt confused and awkward. i knew that it would take time. and i wasn't going to pretend that i was completely changed in one night. i wasn't going to sing the lyrics at the top of my lungs and reach my hands to the sky just because everyone else was. i was going to wait. wait until i felt that change, until i felt that love and passion that all of these young people felt. i yearned for it, but i wasn't going to force anything. and then last week it happened for me. things shifted, and for the first time in my life i felt at home. i felt like i was exactly where i was supposed to be and nothing else mattered. i was praising God, and that's exactly what i wanted to do.
i'm not sure. these are just some key things that have happened. my mom has surgery next week and i am beyond worried for her. but i'm praying for the best, and i have to leave it in His hands. christmas is quickly approaching and i'm not bothering to make a list. things are so tight for my family right now. i'm afraid that i'm going to lose my car. but i'm trying to stay strong and help my family the best that i possibly can. the next paycheck that i get should be bigger and i'm just going to hand it over to my dad. hopefully it will help a little bit. | | |
| i'm tired of not being considered or thought about. i can care about you more than you could imagine. if you just gave me a chance, i swear i wouldn't let you down. i don't find it very fair, you know. you've taken such a big chunk of my heart without even knowing it and i get nothing in return. i can't say that i didn't expect it. because this is exactly what i've gone through every other time, but i can say that i thought you were different. i thought you would look past the faults that the others focus on so intently. so i am somewhat disappointed, i won't lie. and as much as i want to turn away, to never think about you more than necessary; i can't seem to help myself. you seem so perfect in every way, and there's something about you keeping my attention on you, i can't look away. she doesn't deserve a second chance. atleast no more than i deserve my first one, my only one.
i crave for that time more than you know. the time when you'll understand how i feel, the time when everything will fall in place for you, the time when you finally see that we could be. but i know that time will never come.
i just can't stop myself from wanting it more than anything. | | |
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